


as big as the ocean

by gunblade



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Friendship, Gen, Keith needs a hug, M/M, Minor Character Death, PTSD, Team Bonding, finding yourself, future klance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13197573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunblade/pseuds/gunblade
Summary: Through tunnel vision, he can see an ally ship burst against the sky. A hail of laser shots split the cockpit and he knows whomever is aboard won’t come out alive.OR: Survivor’s guilt lingers in the crevices of Keith’s heart. He’ll need his friends now more than ever.





	1. Chapter 1

Everything is happening in a series of echoes. It’s much like the distant and hollow shouts coming from the other side of a cave that goes on far deeper than anticipated.

(If he listens, he can hear what he thinks are voices amidst the crescendo of gunfire.)

Pain surges in fiery spiderwebs along his leg and he wonders how he’s standing, or if he’s standing at all.

Through tunnel vision, he can see an ally ship burst against the sky. A hail of laser shots split the cockpit and he knows whomever is aboard won’t come out alive.

**_No!_ **

There are orders to fall back – _fall back!_ – over the crackling intercom. He can’t move through the unbearable pain, but someone is dragging him along the floor while the rear entrance of their cruiser hisses to a close.

They’re taking off.

“That ship,” he manages, although his voice is hoarse. “Who was on that ship?”

He knows the answer. He dreads the answer.

“Kolivan.”

\----

“Contact Voltron. Tell them we’re returning their paladin for care.”

 _No,_  
I can’t go back. I can’t.  
I can’t go back.

Cold sweat collects on his forehead and plasters his bangs to his skin. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Please, I can’t…”

No one hears him.

\----

When he wakes, it’s with a start.

In his mind he sees a Galra fighter poised to destroy, while around him explosives detonate against the black of space. The sounds of panic, the scent of fire, the taste of blood in his mouth.

He gasps and stumbles out of the healing pod, and there, he finds Kolivan watching.

“Hey! Hey, Allura! Keith’s awake!”

Keith’s legs buckle and Kolivan vanishes.

“Whoa, are you okay? Can I help you up?” Hunk has a hand extended and somewhere down the corridor, Keith hears approaching footsteps.

Reality sets in.

No, this can’t be right. This can’t be right, he thinks, because he can’t be here. He can’t be here because he should be –

“Keith?”

– _dead_.

“Alright, I’ve got’cha.” Hunk is bracing him by his elbows, cautiously helping him into a stand, but Keith isn’t able to hold his imploring gaze. Hunk offers a patient smile. “There you go.”

Allura’s arrived at their side, her expression melting from trepidation to concern. “Keith…” She reaches out to guide him into a gentle embrace.

He can feel his eyes burn with thorny tears.

“I’m so sorry,” she’s saying, her chin resting on his shoulder, “but you’re safe now. I promise.”

He chokes on a sob.

\----

Anxiety is asphyxiating when he rests in his bed for the first time in ages.

His room in the castle remains unchanged; it’s as barren as the day he’d left. There are no knickknacks collected from their adventures, and no hidden items he’d brought along from Earth. As he gazes at the stark white walls, he wishes he had more. The emptiness feels sterile.

 _Cold_.

There’s a crushing loneliness in his chest that’s all too familiar.

The Blades are better off without him, he thinks. He’s a curse. If it weren’t for him…

He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes and attempts to even out his breathing. He’s exhausted, truly, but sleep is evasive, and when he closes his eyes, all he sees is a nightmare.

**_Kolivan nods in approval._ **  
**_A ship swells until it ruptures._ **

His heart begins to shudder with panic as nausea sends him spinning. He has to move. He has to get up. Keith kicks off his blanket and swings his legs towards the floor, rising to his feet.

He needs to breathe.

He can’t breathe.

His door opens and shuts behind him and he finds himself heading towards the kitchen. It’s a mindless walk, his brow furrowed with distraction, but the sound of a dish being set down on the table pulls him out of his stupor.

It hadn’t occurred to him that someone else might be awake.

“Oh,” he says intelligently, meeting Lance’s eyes.

Biting back a yawn, Lance lifts a hand in a wave. “Hey, man.”

Keith considers backpedaling but those dark eyes rove over him, absorbing his state before he has the chance to disappear.

“You ever just miss home?”

Is that why Lance is up?

“Sometimes I just really… _really_ miss home. No place like Earth, y’know? No alien wars or saving the universe, just time at the beach with the family.”

Keith thinks of his own loneliness and wonders how Lance must feel.

Does it keep him up often?

“Don’t get me wrong: I like the whole Voltron thing and I definitely love feeling like I’m part of something important. I just kinda wonder when we’ll get to go home. I feel like we all just need a nice long vacation.” Lance rubs his eyes and drops his gaze to his slippers before putting on a happier face. “What about you? Where would you go, if you could?”

Keith considers. “The beach does sound nice.”

Lance grins at him. “Right? Glad you think so, too.”

They stay in an amicable silence for a few ticks and Keith sincerely feels a bit lighter. He wonders if he should thank Lance, although he doubts it would make sense. Instead, he says, “I’m gonna try to go to sleep.”

“Me too.” Lance yawns once more, although this one is theatrical. “Gotta catch a few Zs myself.” He passes Keith but pauses before exiting. “Oh, and Keith?” He smiles. “Glad to have you back.”

Keith softens. “Thanks.”

“Night, dude.”

Keith feels warmer now, yet he knows once he’s returned to his lifeless room, sleep will not come easily.

He hopes Lance finds more success.

\----

“What about Keith?”

He halts in the hallway just beyond the briefing room.

“Just give him time,” Shiro is saying to the team. “He’ll need it to heal.”

Keith considers turning around until he hears Allura ask, “what do you suppose happened out there?”

He bristles.

Stop talking about me.  
_Stop talking about me._

“We know the Galra intercepted the Blade of Marmora on their mission to planet Hox.” Pidge swivels in her chair. “We also know there were casualties.”

A white-hot rage ignites under his skin. His chest constricts in agony.

**_Stop talking about..._ **

Hunk nods. “Yeah. Kolivan, right?”

Keith pops.

“You guys wanna know what happened?” he’s shouting as he storms into the room, his hands curling into fists. He can’t stop his anger; he can’t reel in his fury.

“All of it is  **my**  fault!”

He can’t quell his guilt.

“ _I_  killed Kolivan!”


	2. Chapter 2

“I killed Kolivan!”

It comes without warning, without glamour or delicacy.

“Keith, what—”

It comes in an avalanche.

“I led them into a trap! Kolivan trusted me to lead the mission and now he’s dead because of me!”

Ringing silence meets his ears and he thinks he’s going to vomit. Everyone is staring, eyes wide, jaws slack, and he sincerely regrets speaking.

“Keith,” Shiro tries again, looking at him as a zookeeper might watch a lion. “Slow down. What happened?”

“I just told you,” he can feel his hands shake. “I was leading that mission! I made the decision to fight the Galra even though we were outnumbered, and people died because of me! Kolivan _died_ because of me!” He can feel the anxiety spill ice water under his skin and he thinks _shit_ , I should _leave_. “It’s…my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Allura says gently.

“It is! I—”

“Keith,” and this time, Shiro is absolute. “The Blades know how war works. Any decision you made still had to be filtered through them. If they didn’t want to fight, they wouldn’t have. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

The urge to escape is overwhelming.

They don’t understand.  
_They don’t understand._

“I didn’t even try to stop it,” he’s saying. “I should’ve _known_ we couldn’t win but I took the risk, and look what happened!”

Shiro seems like he’s ready to protest again, and Keith can’t bear the lecture.  
Not now.

“I’m going back to my room.”

There is no ceremony. There are no protests.

Keith simply leaves.

\----

He was never meant to be a leader. That’s what he told himself as the head of Voltron.

This is no different.

Kolivan levels him with a piercing stare and says that Keith is more than capable of handling this mission. It’s simple and will test his abilities, should the Blades ever need someone to turn to in a time of desperation.

Keith wonders why this is happening again.

“I really don’t think I’m the right one for this job.”

“Then consider it an order,” Kolivan rises to his full height, “if that’s what it takes.” He studies Keith’s hesitation and nods. “I’ll be beside you should you seek guidance.”

He won’t be alone this time and that comes as a comfort. Still, he can’t help but ask, “why me?”

There is no visible emotion on Kolivan’s face as he says, “you must challenge yourself if you ever wish to grow as a warrior.”

Beneath his mask, Keith rolls his eyes.

“If you say so.”

\---- 

He wakes in a cold sweat for the third night in a row.

Images of battle haunt him even as he lay there awake, staring at that empty wall. He’s terribly exhausted; he wants nothing more than to drown out the sights.

He shoves his pillow over his face, yet still watches ally ships fall.

A frustrated scream rips through his throat.  
The pillow strikes the wall with a _thwump_.

The only thing, he thinks, that seems to work is distraction. Is anyone else awake? He wonders if Lance is in the kitchen again and rises to his feet.

When he arrives, it’s empty.

“Of course,” he murmurs into the hallway. “I don’t know what I expected.”

He could go to Lance’s room, but the idea is quickly extinguished. No, if Lance is sleeping, he wouldn’t want to wake him – he isn’t comfortable enough to justify disturbing Lance’s rest.

But god, does he need to talk to someone.

 _Shiro_.

He carries himself to Shiro’s room and stands before the door. He’s unsure if he should try to knock or if he should even try waking Shiro at all. In his heart, he knows Shiro won’t mind, but is it fair to do that just because _he_ can’t sleep?

He stands there for several minutes before he finally hazards a knock.

The door actually _opens_.

“Keith? What are you doing here at this hour?”

“Why are _you_ awake?”

Shiro steps aside and gestures for Keith to enter. “I’m usually the first up.”

“Right,” he takes an unceremonious seat at the edge of Shiro’s bed. “I guess I don’t have to feel bad about bothering you, then.”

Shiro lets out a soft laugh. “I guess not.” He crosses his arms then, peering down at Keith with unmasked appraisal. “Seriously, Keith, you’re not bothering me. What’s on your mind?”

There’s silence for a beat, then two, before Keith can manage a reply. “Why did you think I could lead Voltron?”

Shiro’s eyebrows knit together. “Is that what’s bothering you?”

“Please, Shiro.”

He nods. “I picked you because you’re a strong leader.” Shiro watches Keith open his mouth to protest and cuts him off, “you _are_. You have some points to work on. You’re impulsive and you’re a hothead, but that doesn’t make you incapable. It makes you human.”

Sometimes, Keith wonders if Shiro can read his mind.

“You’re driven and I see so much potential in you. I know when it comes down to it, you can make the right calls.”

“But I didn’t,” he snaps. “I never did. Everything I did with Voltron, and with the Blades…” he exhales, lowering his forehead into his hand. “I’m a terrible leader.”

Shiro frowns and takes a seat at his side. “You’re learning. You’re still young, and to be fair, every leader makes mistakes.” He rests a hand on Keith’s shoulder to give a comforting squeeze. “I want you to know that I don’t regret my decision.”

“But do you think Kolivan does?”

The silence is deafening.

When Keith raises his eyes to Shiro, he’s met with concern. His heart clenches at the sight.

“Keith, Kolivan chose you. Whatever happened, I’m sure he’d stand by that choice.”

“I got him killed.”

“The Galra Empire killed Kolivan.” Shiro levels Keith with a sturdy gaze. “He knew the risks involved and he was willing to die for our cause. He’s a hero.”

Keith’s fingers curl.

A hero…  
He _is_ a hero.

“Right. Thanks, Shiro,” he says, voice soft, quiet, “for listening.”

“If you need anything, don’t hesitate. We’re all here for you.”

“I know. Thank you.”

Shiro studies Keith for a moment longer before he rises. “Well, since you’re here, can I ask for your input?” On the desk in the corner of his room, he lifts a dense piece of paper and turns it to face Keith. There are numbers peppered sporadically, and it looks _suspiciously_ like math. “This puzzle is Altean. Allura gave it to me as a brain exercise.” Shiro, for his part, sounds put out. “Honestly? I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Despite himself, Keith snorts a laugh. “You think I’ll be any help?”

“Well,” Shiro offers a knowing smile. “Why not give it a try?”

\---- 

For the first time in days, when he finally falls asleep, he dreams of nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

_It’s peaceful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay! i actually have had this written since a bit after i published the first chapter, but something about this chapter wasn't sitting right with me. i think this is as good as it's going to get.
> 
> thanks to those who commented/gave kudos/read this so far. i really appreciate it more than i can explain. <3


End file.
